Title : These Clouds We're Seeing, They're Explosions in the Sky
Author : Vive les Unas
Pairing : McBeck
Rating : T
Summary : Rodney's reaction to Carson's declaration.
Beta : tdancinghands
Written for the mcbeck_challenges’ emotional prompts table. The title comes from a Placebo song, “Sleeping With Ghosts”. This fic is the sequel of “The Sea’s Evaporated Though It Comes As No Surprise”, and there will be another sequel to this fic, with the “lust” prompt. This OS is set to happen somewhere in the second half of season five.
Thank you so much tdancinghands for correcting everything!!
These Clouds We're Seeing, They’re Explosions in the Sky
“You what?” bellowed Rodney, as he stood, eyes wide.
“I love you,” replied Carson in a more quiet voice “it’s not that hard to imagine, is it?”
“I...I thought we were friends!” Rodney cried.
His chin was trembling under the tremendous amount of shock that surged through his body. Now it was Carson that was worried about him.
“We are friends Rodney," insisted Carson. "One doesn’t prevent the other! I feel a lot of friendship for you, but...”
“But you want me, is that it?” grumbled the Canadian. “You want to have sex with me.”
“It’s a little more complicated than that!” Carson protested. “I really love you. I can’t explain it; I just feel good when I’m with you and I want more than what we have now.”
“Are you sure it is not just friendship?” asked Rodney. "I mean, sometimes I really miss you, and it’s not like I fancy you, I simply miss your presence as a friend. You’re not jealous of the girls I date, are you?”
“Of course I am,” Carson whispered, bowing his head down.
Because of the obvious sadness of his friend, McKay exploded.
“You know what? That’s just brilliant. I was indirectly responsible for getting you killed; I told your mother you were dead; I stuck you in a giant ancient fridge to keep you alive while your organs were degenerating and now I discover that I have unintentionally been hurting your feelings for the past five years. Why don’t you give me a knife so I can just go ahead and stab you, huh? That’s what friends are for!”
Carson had tears in his eyes, even if he tried to hide them from the scientist. He'd always been too sensitive.
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves," he recited softly.
"By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!” Carson finished, looking away.
“Who said that?” frowned Rodney.
“Oscar Wilde,” Carson answered.
Slowly calming down, the Canadian sat down again on his bed, tugging his hair, in hope it would clear the amount of crap overwhelming his brain Carson imagined.
“I have no problem with you being whatever you are by the way,” he said with a sigh. “It’s not a homophobic reaction. One would have to be pretty blind not to notice that you are a little uh...”
“Are you calling me a pussy Rodney?” teased Carson with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“I would never do that!” McKay moistened his lips with his tongue, which made the Scot’s heart skip a beat. “You just act a little gay sometimes, and I’ve never had any problem with that.”
“Sometimes you act a little gay too,” Carson remarked.
“Yeah,” replied Rodney, trying not to take the offense, “but I’m not. Gay. Come on, you know that!”
The physician chuckled, wiping his last tears with the back of his hand. Yes, he knew. He knew everything there was to know about Meredith Rodney McKay, because they were best friends, and he was pretty sure Rodney didn’t want anything more than what they already had.
“Look, loving me, in the enormous list of the worst things to do, is definitely in the top ten. You know the love of my life is myself and my work, and if you have a physical thing for me, please keep in mind that I’m losing all my hair. If you persist in your silliness then I’ll have to become very mean and very ugly to drive you away, and I really don’t want that.”
Carson let go of a laugh that stopped when McKay put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“I love you Carson. More than you could even imagine," Rodney said. "It’s a friend thing, but that doesn’t mean it has to be less intense.”
A pair of blue eyes got lost in another one and a shy smile bloomed on Beckett’s face.
“I know.” he whispered, as if it was a secret.
“And I want you to be happy, that’s why I am so upset” Rodney confessed. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Rodney, you have to stop blaming yourself about that other me...” Carson said.
“It’s more than that," said Rodney. "You realize how much you care about people when you lose them.”
McKay’s face was grim with remorse and grief for another Carson that had gone and had been forgotten by most of the people he loved, replaced by another himself. That other Carson, that man who was so much more than a clone. And all that man wanted was to comfort the person he loved, to tell him that this wasn’t his fault. But nothing he could say would matter, he wasn’t the one who had died. He knew it wouldn’t help Rodney. He had tried.
“But I had another chance with you," explained Rodney. "I don’t want to spoil it. You deserve to be happy.”
“You can’t protect me from everything, let alone from life,” Carson said as he rose.
“Yet I am the one hurting you!” cried Rodney.
“Nothing is your fault," insisted Carson, "and sometimes in order to be happy I have to get hurt. That’s life.”
Almost trembling with contained rage, Rodney violently hugged his friend, burying his head in his sweater. He felt Beckett’s heartbeats, erratic and strong, almost piercing their way into his own chest.
“I wish I could return the feelings you have for me,” murmured Rodney.
“Aye,” said Carson, brushing his back with gentle fingertips “me too. But the last thing I want is for you to pretend to please me.”
“No more secrets between us, okay?” Rodney said.
“No more secrets," Carson agreed. "Even if they are really embarrassing.”
“Even if they may not please the other,” Rodney added.
“Even if they involve feelings,” concluded the doctor quietly.
They let go of each other, the scientist stretching the hem of his geeky t-shirt to vent the rest of anger he felt at himself, for not noticing his friend’s feelings towards him, and for hurting him again, albeit unwillingly.
“And you’ll try to stop loving me as hard as you can, right?” Rodney asked.
“No promises,” Carson smiled as he reached the door’s opening panel.
The door slid open, but Beckett didn’t move, staring at it for a few seconds before turning back to Rodney.
“Can... can I just do something?” he asked, feeling strangely calm.
“I guess,” answered Rodney.
Carson grabbed McKay’s collar and planted a quick kiss on his lips, savoring the long missed taste of coffee, chocolate and Rodney’s mouth.
“Just in case it doesn’t work...”